A Therapist’s Secret to Not
Becoming Enmeshed
As a therapist, I am well acquainted with the kind of judgement that has prevailed in my professional sphere.
“How do you spend your day listening to everyone talk about the most tormenting events of their lives? ” “That must tickle your anxiety or boredom in someway.”
Well, to be honest, I would say no.. not really!
You may begin to imagine that all of the sadness, frustration, anxiety, and shame that a person confronts would eventually start to rub off on him after a certain while. But, if anything, I think I may be getting a little better at managing my own and others’ emotions with all the practice sessions I undergo while sitting in my therapist’s chair.
The ability to manage and accept others’ unpleasant emotions requires a significant amount of self-effort learning because it is a reinforcing skill that must be replenished on a regular basis.
Let me share with you the five strategic resolutions that have effectively taught me how to manage an individual’s distressing emotions.
Implementing such skills in your daily life relationships, such as those with your spouse, boss, parents, and children, will allow you to claim beneficial results.
1. Treat your strong emotions as a puzzle, not a problem
When you see a loved one suffering from anxiety or being extremely frustrated, it’s quite usual to perceive their emotions as a problem that requires immediate redressal. This is why we frequently tune into approaches like giving advice in the hope of alleviating distress and providing acute relief.
However, in many circumstances, such counselling tactics may be viewed as ineffective or unwarranted and instead prove to be counterproductive for the distressed individual.
The necessity of breaking down perspective barriers from the typical problem-solving approach allows one to search for an alternate, effective strategy. The perception of viewing others’ unpleasant emotions as an enigmatic puzzle as opposed to an unsolved problem seemed personally appealing and logically tactful to implement.
While contemplating the matter, on the one hand, considering others’ emotions as a problem confines us in a moral frame of mind that adheres to the necessity of requiring a quick fix to the problem. On the other hand, viewing it as a puzzle reinforces our inquisitive mindset, and as we reflect with great curiosity on other people’s inner experiences, our attitudes may become more affirming, understanding, and empathic. While in emotional distress, such attitudes are appreciated by the distressed individual.
So, when a loved one is experiencing strong emotions, pay close attention to the self-talk you are using. How are you internally processing their feelings? Try to gain insight and hold back on thoughts such as:
- Don’t they see this isn’t doing them any good!
- If only they knew how much it has affected other people, they’d never behave like this.
And instead, substitute such thoughts with curiosity-driven questions:
- What could be going on in his mind that would lead to such painful feelings?
- What kinds of external circumstances might have caused him to feel this way?
- Is there any value for him in feeling sad, even though he dislikes it?
When you shift from “problem-thinking” to” “puzzle-thinking“, your mindset becomes driven by curiosity rather than morality, which is far more helpful in an emotional crisis, both for you and the person across from you.
When someone you care about is in an upsetting mood, try to understand how and why they’re feeling the way they are rather than how it can be fixed.
2. Try some reverse empathy
Empathy is the act of putting yourself in another person’s shoes and trying to imagine what it must be like to live in their skin — with their thoughts, feelings, and circumstances.
And while empathy is a skill that’s important to cultivate for all sorts of reasons, there’s a version of it that’s especially helpful for managing other people’s melancholic states. I call it reverse empathy.
Reverse empathy: Instead of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, try to recall a moment when you wore the same shoe.
In other words, think back to a moment when you had to struggle through similar difficult experiences and emotions as the distressed individual.
For example, if you notice your friend is extremely frustrated and angry, recall a time when you were so frustrated that you couldn’t think straight:
- What events occurred to cause you to experience such anger?
- What kinds of thoughts and emotions were rushing through your mind?
- What did those around you do in such a situation?
- And, perhaps most significantly, what do you recall desiring, needing, or yearning for when you felt that way?
Often, reverse empathy can be a powerful tool to help you appreciate someone else’s struggle because it’s based on your own life experiences rather than a hypothetical situation.
And the more you can relate to what they’re going through, the more likely you are to be helpful and supportive to the person next to you, not to mention less reactive and emotional yourself.
3. Be a mirror, not a mechanic
Without a doubt, the most common communication error I observe in people, particularly in couples, is becoming entrapped in “fix-it mode.”
Bob is upset and begins to describe how he feels and why he believes he feels that way to Shelly. When Shelly notices Bob in pain, she instinctively tries to relieve his suffering.
But here’s the thing:
Most people struggling emotionally don’t want someone to fix their pain; what they want is to feel understood and heard.
It is necessary to instill such a viewpoint in us because it is not only one of the most counterintuitive approaches, but also one of the most true universal laws of human psychology.
The question remains unanswered: how do we shift from a fix-it mindset to one in which people feel understood? I would consider using a technique called “reflective listening.”
Reflective listening indicates that when someone tells you something, you simply reflect back to them what they said, either literally or with your own interpretation.
For example:
- Boss: “I can’t believe Teddy embarrassed me like that in front of the whole staff!“
You: ” Sounds like you were really embarrassed.“ - Husband: “You never listen; you’re always just giving me advice.”
You: “It seems like you feel as though I tend to just give advice without really listening to what you’re saying.“
Now, I know this might sound silly or condescending at first blush, but I promise you it works.
The reason is that it’s not about what they’re saying; it’s about how they feel. Yes, they’re aware that they were really embarrassed at work. The true value of such statements of reflection is however, that it makes them feel as if you are with them, connected, and truly on their side.
By mirroring another person’s experience, you’re giving them something far more valuable than advice—you’re giving them a genuine connection to adhere to.
4. Validate your own emotions
One of the most difficult aspects of other people’s pain or distress is the feelings they arouse in us.
- Our spouse is sad and melancholic, and we get frustrated.
- Our boss is anxious and overbearing, which makes us feel anxious too.
- Our parent is angry and irritable, and we respond with annoyance and sarcasm.
The problem is that once we’re deep in a spiral of our own unpleasant emotions, it’s difficult to have enough mental and emotional bandwidth to negotiate our own mood and that of someone else. This is why we frequently react to other people’s negative moods in ways that aren’t beneficial to them, ourselves, or our relationship.
A viable solution is to improve our ability to recognize and manage our own emotional responses early on, before they reach a frenzied state. And the best way I know of to do that is through a process called validation.
Validation is merely acknowledging our own emotions and assuring ourselves that it is acceptable and normal to feel this way.
For example, suppose your spouse has been worked up all evening about some incident at work. He is frustrated, angry, and a little bit anxious, and there seems to be no sign of him letting it go. While you’ve been able to put up with it for the past few hours, you’re becoming increasingly annoyed and agitated with him.
Rather than:
a) Acting on this negative feeling and saying something unhelpful to your spouse or
b) Becoming self-judgmental for feeling annoyed with him
You could start learning how to validate your own emotions.
You could pause for a few seconds, acknowledge that you’re feeling annoyed and frustrated with your spouse, remind yourself that it’s okay and natural to feel that way, and then consider the best course of action for moving past the incident.
5. Clarify your responsibility
A common pitfall I see individuals make when attempting to effectively deal with other people’s negative moods is to extend their responsibilities to that person to include how they feel.
Let me unpack that a bit:
- We can only take responsibility for things that we have control over.
- Emotions, by their very nature, are not directly under our control.
- Because we can’t control emotions directly, we’re not responsible for them, neither our own nor those of others.
- However, we are responsible for our actions — for how we choose to behave and think.
- When we assume responsibility for things beyond our control, we set ourselves up for unnecessary frustration, disappointment, and resentment.
- However, when we clarify what’s in our control—and therefore what we’re responsible for—we’re able to deploy our efforts and resources as effectively as possible.
To conclude, because you can’t directly control how someone feels, avoid always taking responsibility for it.
The unresolved and disputed conflicts stem from a misunderstanding of what is truly under our control. Although genuine communication about our roles and responsibilities brings a lot of helpful clarity, you should relieve yourself of the excess responsibility that may otherwise begin to deplete your state of well-being.
When you stop expecting to always make someone feel better, you can start taking actual steps to connect with them and become genuinely supportive.
All You Need to Know
Negative and painful emotions are difficult to manage—both in ourselves and in those around us. While it’s not possible to “fix” others’ emotional struggles, there are a handful of practical skills or tactics that could help you become more compassionate-minded and fruitful in the presence of others’ distressed states.
Even if you appear to be ineffective or futile in helping the other person—or have no interest in doing so—skills like self-validation and reflective listening prove useful by allowing you to be calm rather than reactive and impulsive.
Prior to helping others, take care of your own emotional well-being.
Give “I” its rightful precedence before “U.”
Give “I” its rightful precedence before “U.”
Email: docdowning103@gmail.com
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