YOUR IQ CAN BLOCK YOUR

BRAIN DEVELOPMENT

I KNOW I AM SMART, BUT. . .

People with high IQs can do some of the dumbest things. Just because you have a high IQ does not mean you are using your whole brain. Doing dumb things indicates that your whole brain is not being utilized. I have known some very smart people who make some very dumb decisions. These people are deficient in Emotional Intelligence.

Brian Williams was the NBC evening anchor until he was exposed for lying many times about being in a helicopter that took enemy fire. His explanation was, “I don’t know why I did it; I must have had a brain tumor.” And then, what was Bernie Madoff thinking when he ran his Ponzi scheme? Or what was presidential candidate John Edwards thinking when he stole money from his campaign to pay for his mistress and the baby they had together? Did he really believe that no one was watching?

Can you believe presidential candidate Gary Hart, a lawyer, author, professor, commentator, and US Senator When he was campaigning, he challenged the media, “If you think I am having an affair, prove it,” . . . . and they did! They took pictures of them both naked on his boat.

But I am getting ahead of myself. You have two hemispheres to your brain, the left and the right sides. You have one brain but, the two sides work and think very differently.

Everyone has both an IQ and an EQ. Most everyone has heard about IQ. It is the abbreviation for Intelligence Quotient. It is a measure of your Cognitive or Academic Intelligence. In ordinary language, it is how quickly you pick up ideas and information and your ability to utilize that information to solve problems.

Unfortunately, few people know what EQ is. EQ is the abbreviation for Emotional Quotient. It is a measure of your Emotional Intelligence.

Intellectual Quotient + Emotional Quotient =

Emotional Intelligence

IQ + EQ = EI

Since few people know what EQ is, they do not spend the time and effort to learn the skills that would increase their Emotional Intelligence. EQ is important because it is “the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict.” For the sake of convenience, the right side of your brain holds your Emotional Intelligence (EQ), while the left side of your brain holds your Cognitive Intelligence (IQ).

Left Brain ---The left side of your brain is logical, rational, systematic, and based on reason. It thinks in symbols, numbers, and words. It functions very much like Spock from the old Star Trek show. The left side of the brain is designed to think logically, such as A + B = C. This works well most of the time if A and B are correct. But, if A and/or B are incorrect, then the conclusion will be incorrect.

In computer science, there is a saying, “Garbage in, Garbage out, (GIGO).” A high IQ is not the answer to happiness, success, achievement, joy, or accomplishment. Your IQ measures how quickly you can learn, retain, and utilize information. IQ is a cognitive function of the left side of your brain. Here is an example of someone with a high IQ but carrying some GIGO components that make his life miserable. Example:

“Professionally, I know a lot and have an economically successful company. My IQ is far above average. I am creative, sensitive, compassionate. . . . I feel pain when I see/feel other people suffer economically and emotionally. Sometimes, I wish I was ignorant about the pain in the world. I'm not desperate, so I won't give up on what I call a world that works for everyone. For most of my life, I’ve been depressed. I need a prescription for an anti-depressant to get me through the day.” Unfortunately, this man has a problem with beliefs that do not reflect the real world. So, his beliefs and the real world are constantly in conflict.

Because of GIGO, problems can develop on the left side of the brain. Different types of garbage can infect your left brain. False information or false beliefs is one category that can have disastrous results. Here are some examples of information/beliefs that have been held as accurate at one time or another:

The world should work for everyone both economically and emotionally.

Everyone should be happy all the time.

The atom is the smallest particle and cannot be split.

Big boys don’t cry.

Nice girls don’t get angry.

If you feel guilty, you must have done something wrong.

Emotional pain is terminal and should be avoided at all costs (“I can never stand to be hurt this way again.”)

Anger is bad. You should never allow yourself to become angry. “He who raises his voice first loses.”

The opposite of love is hate or anger. (The opposite of love is indifference.)

If you believe any of these, you may want to reconsider your beliefs/information seriously.

Take the first belief: “The world should work for everyone.”Suppose an individual believes that no one should ever suffer economically or emotionally. In that case, the result is that you will feel pain when you see/feel other people suffering economically and/or emotionally. If this is your belief, then be prepared to live your life in pain and anger.

From all the evidence and research I have seen, this belief fits into the category of “If wishes were horses, the beggars would ride.” This is a nice thought. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help people, but the term all makes it into a fanciful wish. I have also dreamed of a world where no one suffered. However, hanging onto false and unrealistic beliefs has the potential to create more suffering and the need for anti-depressants. When there is false information and facts in the cognitive side of your brain, it will act as a block to increasing your EQ.

A second left brain GIGO problem is when you have contradictory information/beliefs such as:

If at first, you don’t succeed try, try again, vs. If you can’t do a job right the first time, don’t do it at all.

People should do what I think they should do, not what they do, vs. People are free to do what they do, which is OK.

The only person I can change is myself, vs. people should change so I would not get upset and be okay. People should live up to my expectations.

Real men don’t show weakness, vs. A real man has a soft side.

All men are created equal, vs. It is OK to treat people differently based on. . ..

If you make your bed, you have to lie in it, vs. You should never stay in an abusive relationship.

You should never snitch on anybody, vs. You need to tell if someone is a danger to themselves or others.

I am trapped in a very stressful relationship. vs. I am in a very stressful relationship, and I choose to stay in this stressful relationship until I decide to change, which is okay for now.

As you are starting to see, even an intelligent IQ can lead you terribly astray.

There are no stressful jobs.

There are only stressful people.

The job you find so stressful, another person may not be stressed because they have different beliefs.

Who said your wife/husband/government/world should live up to your expectations?

Here are some left-brain beliefs that can facilitate the development of your Emotional Quotient.

Words have no meaning. Only people have meanings. Words are created by human beings making a sound and then saying, “This is what that sound means.” As centuries go by, the original meaning of words can change to be the opposite of what they first meant. If you look in the dictionary, most words have several different definitions. The “talker” knows what he meant by what he said. However, the message is in what the hearer hears (the meaning that he/she put on the words that the talker said) that the listener will take away from that conversation. Checking out the meaning the talker intended is very important for the listener.

A group of people are together when suddenly something happens. It could be a shooting, a political rally, a sermon, a tree falling across the car, a bomb blowing up under your SUV, a child running in the street, etc.

Each person in that group will have a different meaning for the event. Such as the world is not safe, what the preacher said was just what I needed, that child must have a bad parent, I am a very lucky person, the tree didn’t hit me, etc. Depending on the meaning that the person puts on the event will determine what they feel. From their feelings, the person will choose their behaviors.

SOMETHING	YOU CHOOSE	YOU CHOOSE	YOU CHOOSE

HAPPENS

2. For all practical purposes, what you think proceeds what you feel. Therefore, you can choose what you feel by changing what you think. Awareness of your beliefs about yourself and your world is essential; otherwise, you will stunt your EQ.

3. All behavior has a purpose.

On days when you question your behaviors, it will be important not to ask, “Why did I do that?” but to ask yourself what the purpose was of doing what you did or saying what you said. What was I trying to achieve? Do I want to do that again?

Judging your thoughts or behaviors by asking why questions usually ends up in your being stuck and adding to the false information in the left side of your brain. Asking why questions will give you rationalizations for a person’s behavior. “I hit that other girl because she made a face at me.” So, you’re telling me that whenever she wants you thrown out of school, all she has to do is make a face at you?

4. Nothing is a failure if you learn from it. The important thing is to learn a lesson every time you lose. Examining your purposes is an excellent way to learn and create new and more effective behaviors.

5. If there is a discrepancy between what you say and what you do, then what you say is a lie. The truth is in your behavior. “What you do speaks so loud, I cannot hear what you say.”

6. The feelings of guilt are not helpful. Whenever you feel guilty, you will set yourself up to be punished. The court does not want to hear the words “I feel guilty” from the defendant. In court, you often hear, “The defendant showed no remorse.” If you have done something harmful to yourself or others, what is needed is to feel remorse. If a defendant feels guilty, there is a good chance that they may go out and re-offend to punish themselves.

7. The basic need in all human beings is to feel significant, to get attention, and to have a purpose in their life. Tiny babies who are not held and goo’ed at (not given attention) will lose weight and die. Social Services, medical doctors, and the law identify this syndrome in children and call it failure to thrive, or Marasmus. As human beings, we never lose this need to feel significant and important.

8. The fear of abandonment is the need to be connected to another human being. Abandonment can feel like death itself. However, emotional pain is not terminal. All relationships will end! Nothing is forever. In every relationship, one person will die or leave sooner or later. The important belief is, “If I have created a great relationship once, I can create one again.”

9. There are only three things that you fight about a) Significance, b) Fear of abandonment, and c) The need to feel some sense of control in my life. Consider the last fight you had; what was it really about?

10. People will do what they’re going to do, not what you think they should do. Your expectations about yourself, others, and the world create anger, frustration, upset, and annoyance. How much time and energy do you waste trying to control others to make them do what you think they should do?

11. Putdowns, name-calling, threats, sarcasm, controlling, demanding, silence, and guilt trips escalate the conflict. Using any of these dirty eight ways of communicating will increase conflict. Putdowns get putdowns back. Threats get threats back, etc.

12. Feelings expressed verbally, as intensely as they are felt, will reduce in intensity and are free to change. Do not expect verbal rule to work with police officers, judges, infants, or Alzheimer’s patients. But your feelings can be expressed to a safe friend who is willing to listen and let the verbal rule do its job.

13. Fear, embarrassment, and love are the three emotions that will get us to change. Shame, humiliation, and guilt are the three emotions that will keep us from changing.

14. Feelings are not good or bad, but thinking makes them so. Feelings just are.

15. The opposite of love is NOT hate or anger (hate is very strong anger). The opposite of love is indifference, not caring. You get angriest most at the people you love the most. If you cannot get angry at someone, you do not love them!

You may have questions about concepts or not understand how they apply to your life. That is OK; not all EQ trainers have mastered them all, either. These are some of the left-brain beliefs that will allow your right brain to maximize its potential. If you are having trouble accepting these beliefs, that’s okay. Just keep an open mind and review these beliefs from time to time and see if any of them fit after you have had time to think about them. How many years have you spent in school developing your left brain? Unlearning an idea or concept is much harder than learning it. Each of you will learn at your speed; it will take as long as it takes. Conflict and anxiety will certainly increase your motivation. Tribulation is certainly a great motivator.

Right Brain --- Now, let us look at the other half of your brain, the right side. The right brain thinks very differently. It is not logical; it is nothing like its neighbor, the left brain. The right brain is not rational, systematic, or based on reason.

Have you ever been in a dumb fight but kept fighting anyway? Or have you ever heard yourself saying, “I understand your point. It makes perfect sense, but. . .” and then keep doing the same destructive thing? Or have you told yourself, “I understand in my head, but I can’t get it down here in my heart.” These are all signs of right-brain dysfunction.

Your right brain thinks in pictures (flashbacks), sounds, smells, and textures. What it “sees,” it believes is real. Just like when you are having a nightmare, your mind believes what you see is real and reacts as if it were happening now. During your dream, you cannot be talked out of what you experience in your right brain.

The right brain learns through Stimulus–Response (S-R). It unlearns the same way, S-R. Here is an example of S-R learning: As the result of a trauma, your right brain “knows” that the whole world is unsafe and that you are not able to protect yourself in this unsafe world.

Learning that changes your life needs to involve both the left (logical) side of your brain and the non-emotionally gathering facts, while the right brain is gathering its “knowing” as the result of “facts” based on emotional experience.

GIGO applies to the right brain as well as to the left brain. When a belief/conclusion is tied to a “picture” (S-R learning), it cannot be changed by talking yourself out of it. For example, Keep telling yourself, “The molest never happened. The molest never happened.” Any luck doing that? Or try telling yourself, “My father never came home drunk and beat up my mother. It never happened. It never happened.” Then, turn around three times and click your heels! This also will not work with the trauma pictures from the war, a car wreck, a dysfunctional family, molestation, or rape.

The stimulus (the rape) is accompanied by an adrenalin-fueled physiological reaction that “burns” that rape picture into your right brain. Now, whenever that picture of the rape comes up, your body starts reacting as if it were real and happening again. It can be a sound, a smell, or someone who looks similar that sets off the warning alarms and puts you into fight, flight, or shutdown mode. When your emotions seem to explode suddenly and your body starts reacting, this is usually the result of your right brain “seeing” the picture stored there.

For this reason, a strict talk therapy approach, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), has only limited success in dealing with right-brain pictures/flashbacks. What the right brain learns through stimulus—response (S-R) must be unlearned the same way.

One of the biggest false beliefs found in the right brain is that the world is not safe and that I am not able to protect myself in this unsafe world. That belief might be localized to one area or generalized to the whole world.

What makes this belief so challenging to change is the “pictures” stored in the right brain that “PROVE” the truth of this conclusion. These are pictures from your past traumas.

What happens is that when you see the picture, your body starts to react, and you experience your heart pounding, the room spinning, feeling like you are going crazy, and fear that something is very wrong. You are going to die. By this time, you have forgotten what triggered the symptoms, or you did not consciously see the picture in the first place. Now, all you are aware of are the symptoms. Right brain trauma pictures are a block to your EQ.

Several right-brain therapy techniques have proven to be effective. These include Psychodrama, Visualization, Exposure, Metaphors, Gestalt dream therapy, and Story Telling. The common denominator in each of these techniques is their ability to create a new “picture” of strength to be placed alongside the old trauma picture. The correct or best technique depends on the person and their traumatic experience(s).

A word of caution. The right brain will resist experiencing the traumatic pictures that are stored there. Therefore, before you can work on the right side of your brain, your left side must give permission. This will require explaining the importance of re-experiencing those horrendous pictures from the past. [“It was bad enough having to go through that experience the first time. I do not want to go back and re-experience those traumas. The first experience shattered my life for many years, and if I go back and re-experience them, I'm just keeping that experience alive.”]

Awareness is the next important element when it comes to increasing your EQ. Your brain processes over a million pieces of physical and emotional information every second! There is no way that your brain can consciously utilize that much information. The problem is you can only make logical decisions about what you know. The time it takes to snap your fingers twice is about a second – your mind just processed over a million pieces of information; did you get them all? Your brain monitors/processes all the systems in your body and your feelings, even those you are unaware of.

Have you ever had an interaction with someone and then, ten hours later, been lying in bed thinking, “I should have said this when he said that?” The opportunity has passed; now you are aware!

Babies do not experience delayed awareness. It is not until you reach three or four years of age that your parents start teaching you to repress your feelings. “Think before you talk.” “Don’t sass me.” A slap or swat often follows this. Parents are usually busy teaching their children what not to say, but they do not teach acceptable ways of expressing feelings. As a result, the child learns to repress their feelings and, soon, are no longer aware of what they are feeling when they feel them—delayed awareness.

Delayed awareness is another EQ block

Another way to lose awareness of your feelings starts with false beliefs: “Nice girls don’t get angry. Pretty is as pretty does. Do you want your face to freeze that way?” “Big boys don’t cry.” If you are that child, what options do you have? Repress, suppress, cover-up, and deny until you are no longer aware of what you are feeling.

I do not know how often I have had a client come in and say something like this while laughing: “I’m so angry at my mother.” And all the time, her fists are clenched. When confronted with this discrepancy, I will get the answer: “If I don’t laugh, I will end up crying.” As soon as she stopped laughing, the tears began. Once she gets through the crying, the real feeling finally comes out: anger.

First, she used her laughter to cover up her tears and then used her tears to cover up her anger, thereby becoming less and less aware of her feelings. As a result, she is not able to make logical decisions.

Men will often do a similar thing. They will cover up their tears with laughter because they know that “Big boys don’t cry.” Some men will have problems with feeling anger because, in the past, they have exploded and hurt someone. As a result, men often feel ashamed or threatened by their anger feelings. Then, they repress their anger and let them build up until there is a big blowup. That is when women get the big apologies, flowers, and promises, “I will never do that again.” That is also when they, again, do the repress, suppress, cover-up, and deny. . . . until they blow up again.

In these cases, the problem is not anger. No one has ever gone to jail for being angry. It is what you do with your anger that gets you into trouble. Counting to ten is just another way of repressing your feelings.

Having feelings of anger and not having acceptable ways of expressing them will end up in a repeating cycle of anger and violence. For both men and women, the false belief that the opposite of love is hate reinforces the anger and violence cycle. [The opposite of love is indifference, not caring.]

Our school systems focus on left brain activities such as reading, writing, and arithmetic, leaving out the areas that need to be taught to develop your Emotional Intelligence.

Like the IQ test, which measures your intelligence on different levels of thinking, such as verbal, math, spatial reasoning skills, etc., your emotional quotient, or EQ, has three areas that need to be developed. In each one of these areas, there are sub-categories that you will need to master. For now, let us briefly highlight the three major categories.

Awareness of what you feel when you feel it – To become aware of what you feel, being aware of what you think is helpful. Everyone thinks. This is the best-kept secret of all. Understanding that we think is the key to understanding everything else in life. Very few people know that they think. They believe they are victims. Knowing that you think is the key to changing everything else in your life! What you think, believe, and expect will determine what you feel. Based on what you feel, you choose your behaviors.

If you are pained by external things,

it is not they that disturb you,

but your own judgment of them.

And it is your power to wipe out that judgment now.

Marcus Aurelius, 121 AD, Roman Emperor

You feel the way you do right now

Because of the thoughts

you are thinking at this moment.

David Burns M.D. 1981 Psychiatrist

Unfortunately, if left to itself, much of your thinking is distorted, incomplete, misinformed, full of false assumptions, or downright prejudiced. Yet, the quality of your life and relationships depends precisely on the quality of your thoughts. The quality of your thinking will determine whether you are a victim or an empowered person, whether you are a reactor or an actor.

Growing up, you were taught to either ignore your feelings or learn that what you were feeling was not what you felt. “You don’t hate your sister; you love your sister.” “Jump up, that didn’t hurt.” “You shouldn’t feel that way.” As a result, many people can no longer identify what they are feeling when they feel it and, therefore, cannot make good life decisions. The less you can identify what you feel when you feel it, the lower your EQ score will be.

Accept what you feel when you feel it – Accepting your feelings does not mean you enjoy them or approve of your feelings. Accepting other people's feelings does not mean you approve or condone their behavior. Acceptance means that you accept, without judgment, that what you are feeling is what you are feeling, and it is OK until you choose to feel something else. Feelings are not good or bad; they just are. Most people think in black and white, yes or no. “Isn’t it interesting that the church is pro-choice? Isn't it interesting that they believe that it's God's job to judge and it is our job to accept? I wonder how they came to those conclusions.”

There is an in-between, a neutral place between like and dislike, between right and wrong. It is a place where there is no judgment. It is where you replace your judgments with “Isn't it interesting?” It is a place of accepting yourself or another person for who they are. Isn’t it interesting that Sally chooses to act that way? I wonder how long she will need to keep doing that.

Are you able to find a neutral place between like and dislike?

Acceptable ways to express what you feel when you feel it – To express your feelings in acceptable ways requires what amounts to learning a new language, a way of speaking different from what you learned as a child. This language is without putdowns, threats, sarcasm, control, demands, guilt trips, etc.

There are both direct and indirect ways of expressing your feelings. The indirect way is not really an expression of feelings. “I feel that you are stupid and dumb.” “I’m feeling lazy.” Stupid and dumb are not feelings; they are judgments. Lazy is also a judgment. Learning to express your feelings directly involves being aware of what you feel when you feel it. “I feel discounted and unimportant.”

So, what is feeling? Below is a short list of feelings. Many people confuse feelings with judgments. The word “that” is the giveaway that what will follow is a judgment. You cannot say, “I feel that excited. . .” If you hear yourself saying, “I feel that. . .” You will know that you are not expressing feelings that will make it a judgment! How do you feel about the president's job performance?

“I feel that he has done a terrible job.” That is not a feeling that is a judgment. Now, tell me how you feel about the president job performance?

Categories of feelings
LEVELS OF INTENSITY	HAPPY	SAD	ANGRY	AFRAID	DEPRESSED
Ecstatic	Heartbroken	Rage	Terrified	Despondent
Excited	Sorrowful	Hate	Frightened	Miserable
Overjoyed	Mournful	Furious	Panicked	Despair
STRONG	Jubilant	Gloomy	Enraged	Scared	Defeated
Hilarious	Weepy	Irate	Threatened	Glum
Merry	Woeful	Fuming	Alarmed	Disheartened
Glad	Cheerless	Mad	Fearful	Melancholy
MILD	Cheerful	Miserable	Disgusted	Anxious	Unhappy
Optimistic	Abandoned	Pissed Off	Insecure	In the Dumps
Pleased	Isolated	Frustrated	Fearful	Flat
Lighthearted	Lonely	Bitter	Startled	Blah
WEAK	Serene	Alone	Irritated	Shaky	Somber
Satisfied	Lost	Annoyed	Timid	Dull
Peaceful	Blue	Upset	Shy	Complacent

What is so important about sharing your feelings? One reason is if you share your feelings, you will never lose another argument! Who knows what you feel other than you? By sharing your feelings (Not your judgments), no one can tell you, “You shouldn't feel that way,” because no one knows what you feel other than you. They have no idea how you feel. They could make guesses, but that is the best they can do. Then, when confronted with someone who “knows” your feelings, you can always respond with, “Nevertheless, that is how I feel. I don't have a button I can push and not feel it!”

Expressing feelings in acceptable ways includes determining when not to express your anger. I strongly suggest that expressing your anger to the judge as strongly as you feel it may not be a wise thing to do. Expressing strong anger to an infant or an Alzheimer’s patient is certainly not helpful.

Acceptable ways of expressing feelings include being aware of the consequences of being angry at the cop, and at the same time, having the “language” to express your anger in affirming ways. With a healthy IQ, your EQ can learn, and as a result, you can utilize your whole brain.

Summary:

Your brain has two sides: one logical and sequential, left brain, and the other, right brain, thinks in pictures, smells, and textures. The right brain is reactive and believes that whatever it “sees” is real and happening right now.

Your IQ is a function of how well your left brain operates, while your EQ is a function of how well your right brain operates.

Your left-brain beliefs can inhibit the functioning of your right-brain EQ.

The first step in developing your EQ is to clear the false and contradictory information in your brain's left side.

The second step is to replace the trauma pictures on the right side of your brain with pictures of strength and competence.

The third step is to learn acceptable ways of expressing empowering, affirming, and validating feelings.

Myron Doc Downing PhD

email: DocDowning103@gmail.com

Below is a detailed outline of what you can use to learn to help grow and develop.

EQ Getting Started

What You Need to Know

Chapter 1: Awareness

“Awareness – by and of itself – can be curative.” Fritz Perls

I.	Awareness of what you feel when you feel it

Awareness

Purpose: “Awareness – by and of itself – can be curative.” Fritz Perls

Importance of awareness: Event > Meanings > Feelings > Behaviors

Behind every behavior is a feeling

“Why did I do that/say that?” Problem with why questions.

Delayed awareness

Event >Think > Feel > Act (audience example)

Judged feelings tend to be repressed, and you lose awareness of them. “I’m not angry; I am just upset.”

“It is awareness, the full experience, the awareness of how you are stuck, that makes you recover and realize the whole thing is just a nightmare, not a real thing, not reality.” Fritz Pearls

“One is always aware of something. If you say I feel nothing, you are at least aware of the nothingness, which is, if you examine it still further, it has a very positive character like numbness, or coldness, or a gap. What does ‘nothing’ feel like when you are feeling' nothing'?” Fritz Pearls

Awareness exercise: “I am aware of. . ..”

“We know very little. Your body knows all, if you would listen to it.” Fritz Pearls

“Fear is only a feeling, like any other feeling. Fear has never stopped anyone from doing something that they really wanted to do. Fear is the excuse we use for not doing something. Myron Downing

Logic à Feeling teeter-totter

You make decisions on that of which you are aware

As feelings go up, logic goes down

Therefore:

Don’t make important decisions when you are feeling intensely.

Vent as a way of reducing the intensity of your feelings

Change the meaning (thoughts, expectations & pictures} [flashbacks]) as a way of reducing the intensity of your feelings!

Where and How to become aware:

Gestalt therapy (Fritz Perls, was the first therapist to recognize the importance of awareness). He focuses on using awareness to change your emotional state.

Mindfulness: focuses on total body and mind awareness.

Both body and mind awareness are essential to change.

Techniques for achieving right-brain change include psychodrama, visualization, metaphors, Gestalt dream therapy, and storytelling.

Steps in dream therapy:

Tell the story without emotion,

Describe the physical setting and the person's movements.

Tell the story emotionally, acting out the different characters.

Re-enact the story with the client changing it to reflect power and strength.

Awareness exercises

TELL ME SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL ME exercise

I AM AWARE exercise

POSTERIORLY INDUCED AFFECTIVE METAMORPHOSIS exercise

SENSE RELAXATION exercise

TUNNEL OF LOVE exercise

TELL ME YOUR ANGER exercise

YELLING exercise

MIRROR IMAGE exercise

DIALOGUE WITH SELF exercise

GO AWAY, COME BACK exercise

II. Accept what you feel when you feel it.

Definition of acceptance

1. “Difference does not make wrong, it makes interesting.” MD

2. Acceptance does not mean approval.

a. Acceptance is the ability to accept without judgments the “isness” of the situation or the person.

b. Acceptance is taking the judgments off of yourself, another person or situation and substituting “Isn’t it interesting” for the judgments. For example: “Isn’t it interesting that I really screwed that one up. How can I do that differently next time?”

c. To be able to accept yourself you have to learn to accept others.

3. To listen does not mean I agree. Listening is the ultimate in accepting someone.

a. To listen implies only that I’m interested in care about you as a person.

b. If you do not agree with the person, you can respond to what you heard by:

(1) That is very interesting. Thanks for sharing.

(2) That is very interesting, however I see it differently.

(3) That is very interesting. Tell me, how did you come to that conclusion/view point.

B. Paraphrasing (active listening):

1. Six things that paraphrasing does.

a. Shorten angry discussions,

b. Imparts a sense of caring, interest and love,

c. Increases the speaker’s feelings of self-worth,

d. Makes others more willing to listen to the listener.

e. Clarifies what is said for both the listener as well as for the talker.

f. Give you the information that is important to the talker.

2. Paraphrasing requires listening on three levels:

a. Every sentence has three levels:

(1) The content

(2) The meaning(s) that it has for the person

(3) What the person feels about what he/she is saying

b. Paraphrasing is a guess at content, meanings & feelings

c. Paraphrasing done right is often wrong

d. Word swapping vs. Paraphrasing

(1) Using different words to reflect the same thing. It gives the illusion of understanding.

(2) Reflecting back on all three levels

(3) Example: John should never have become a teacher.

Word swap: I hear you saying that teaching is the wrong job for John.

Paraphrasing: I hear you saying, that John goes to school unprepared and feels guilty that he does not have and what he’s doing.

Or, let’s see if I understand, John likes to live high on the hog and he feels frustrated and like he is a failure.

(4) paraphrasing done correctly is often not correct. It gives the person being listen to a chance to come back and say “No, when I’m trying to say is….”

III. Acceptable ways to express what you feel when you feel it

Direct and indirect ways of expressing feelings.

Verbal Aikido

To express or not to express

Frederick Perls MD, PhD, Gestalt Therapy Verbatim

Frederick Perls MD, PhD, Gestalt Therapy Verbatim